Dating yourself isn’t as strange as it sounds. Well, in all fairness, maybe it is. But you might be at the point I was: ready to try something different!
Dating yourself can be done on a Dating Sabbatical, which is taking time out from the dating scene, or while you’re still seeing people.
The overall concept is very similar to dating another person.
Think about it: when we first start dating someone, it’s all wine and roses. We go out to nice places and bring each other sweet gifts. At dinner, we put our phone away, make meaningful eye contact, and spend lots of time getting to know each other.
Behind the scenes, there’s a lot going on too. We’ll spend hours getting ready for a date and even pull out the nice perfume / bra / underwear / shoes, which we save for special occasions. We’ll clean the apartment and change the bed sheets. We’ll thoughtfully plan whole evenings or weekends together.
Dating yourself is about doing a lot of these things, but for ourselves.
And without any qualifiers. Not “until I find The One,” or “to help me find The One,” or “because I haven’t found The One.”
This is about treating yourself as The One.
You have a lot of options for how this process can work for you.
First, consider whether you want to take a Dating Sabbatical or incorporate elements of dating yourself into your life while you see other people.
Second, jot down a few positive memories from first dates or the early days of relationships in the past. Maybe you enjoyed going places you never would have gone solo, or you tried new activities outside your comfort zone. Maybe you enjoyed being listened to intently or having an excuse to dress up.
Next, think about how you can incorporate these things into your life on your own terms. Maybe you can buy yourself flowers or use your best perfume more frequently.
Some things might require a little more inquiry. For example, if you enjoyed the intensity of conversations on early dates, consider whether you’d enjoy getting together with good friends more often, finding a therapist, or beginning a journaling practice.
Some activities will require even greater effort. Many people are intimidated by going out alone, whether to the movies, dinner, or a concert. Learn how to work your way up to a great solo experience. Eventually, you’ll have a bevy of stories about your mini adventures!
There are so many ways to incorporate Dating Yourself into your life.
If you’re taking a Dating Sabbatical, re-allocate the time you spent on apps and dates. Take yourself out on Friday nights or Saturday afternoons.
Tell a few single friends about your ideas. See if they’re interested in this adventure too, or at least willing to check-in with you. These check-ins should be about support and excitement, not necessarily accountability.
Adopt a me-first mentality, in a positive way. If you normally wash your hair or shave your legs on a certain day, to prepare for going out, ask yourself when and how often it’s really desirable for you. If you love dating because it’s the only time you go to nicer restaurants or bars, find a way to make it happen for yourself. This may mean going to a restaurant at lunch, taking friends to the fancy new bar that just opened, or examining your budget to see how you can make this happen more frequently.
This is my favorite example of a Dating Yourself mentality: an acquaintance had a normal routine for changing her bed linens, but when she thought she might bring someone back to her place, she changed and washed the sheets off schedule. After reading this blog, she realized she truly loved the smell and feel of clean sheets, so she decided to change her bed clothes more frequently! This is the perfect example of how we do things for others without indulging in our own joy and preferences more often.
Consider designating time, and even money, for dating yourself. Something like an Artist’s Date (via Julia Cameran) would be great on Sunday afternoons. Gather your single friends for Friday happy hour. You could certainly go out, although that might feel like you’re back on the dating scene. If you decide to stay in and mix drinks, set an intention for the conversation so you’re nourishing or decompressing, not venting. Allocate some funding for these dates. They say you can tell someone’s priorities just by looking at their calendar and their budget.
And if you continue to date, or return to dating after your sabbatical, don’t lose yourself in the process!
Revisit the ideas you initially wrote down, and new ideas that come to you, and continue to cultivate a loving, sexy, meaningful relationship with yourself.
Because you are The One you’ll be in relationship with the rest of your life. Let’s make it a good one!